To be honest, I'm trying to make BIG changes in my life, and it's scary as shit! I've been in a comfort zone for a while, and getting out of that is just a bunch of doubts surrounded by fear. My big, crazy, awesome life goal is (and has always has been, really!) to make a living from writing and art. I have finally reached the point where I'm tired of fucking around (excuse my French), and I am going to just talk about all the things I'm doing as I go for it, which includes practice and upping my skills, my mindset (HUGE), what I'm creating and what I'm learning as I go.
Change Your Thinking
Today I took a webinar on the 11 Laws of Manifestation.
Now, I'll be the first to tell you that I am still not sure I'm completely on board with this type of stuff. I watched The Secret years ago, and I've read tons of Law of Attraction stuff, and I'm SUCH a skeptic.
Lately, I've started to at least consider the idea that some of this stuff does have a certain sense to it. For example, "thoughts are things." Well, if you actually think about it, everything we DO had a thought that came before it. Either we thought about going to the gym and then went, or we thought about eating Ben & Jerry's, drove to the store, and found ourselves at home with a spoon and Phish Food. Both of those "things" started from thoughts.
We take the laws of nature, the law of gravity, and other scientifically proven laws as fact, and nobody questions Murphy's Law, where what can go wrong will. So why not this possibility that other things are going on that we might not fully understand. Nobody questions intuition. Nobody thinks it's weird that we talk daily with an unseen entity who has our best interests at heart. So, why not address the possibility that changing your thinking can change your life?
A Note on Negativity
P.S. This sort of thing is huge for me. To be quite honest, I've lived my life as a "glass half full" person. A realist! In fact, I've also been a "where did my glass even go" person, and a "Hey, why are you drinking out of my glass" person. Among other things.
It took me so long to realize that the tiny critical, negative voice in my head? It wasn't even mine! I had all this negativity in my head my whole life, telling me I wasn't good enough, I would never be special or successful, or beautiful, and I just believed it because it was Me. At least I thought so.
But when I discovered that I was a child of a Narcissistic parent (and I literally did discover this as an adult: I had NO IDEA this was even a thing, much less that I had spent my entire life as the creation of a person with a personality disorder and a damaged soul), I also started to question that voice and realized that the hateful, controlling, negative person who I had been listening to all these years wasn't me at all.
It was a voice put there by a parent determined to keep me small and controlled, because if I had power, I would be able to see reality and it would destroy the illusion that had been created.
(I did, and it did. That's a whole entire story that I plan to address as I am able.)
So, negativity. Emotional abuse. Every day I am taking one step further away from that. I think it's finally time to let go of all that and consider the possibility that I am a worthwhile human being.
Yesterday I bought 12 wood panels from Hobby Lobby. I have been searching for-ever for my right path and I've come to the conclusion that looking for it won't help me. It's right in front of me and I just need to create it. Instead of sitting around trying to get my style to just come to me, I chose to issue myself another challenge (similar to my 50 Skulls in 50 Days project), except this on is on a smaller scale. At first. I plan on doing a series of 12 paintings in a series to start with. I will use subjects found in vintage photographs. I'm going to get to practice my newfound face drawing skills, along with painting and figuring out cohesive backgrounds. I didn't give myself a deadline like I did with the 50 Skulls (which was one skull painting per day).
Also, I have 3 lessons to complete in the Ever After fairy tale art course I've been taking : The Ugly Duckling, Maleficent, and my own fairy tale. Two of these are about three-quarters done and I haven't started on Maleficent yet.
Today I did quite a bit of work on the new series. I started an 8x8 panel of a vintage girl. I drew it, started painting the face and covered in the background.
Then I went back to yesterday's painting that I had started on smooth artist's panel board. I was frustrated with it last night because, it turns out, I have the surface. It was too smooth and I didn't like the way the paint sits on it. So I got my gesso and did a layer over the whole thing. Since gesso is very thin, I can still see yesterday's work. I'm going to try painting over all of it on the gesso layer and see if I like it better.
I do feel slightly overwhelmed. There's so much to learn, to accomplish and to finish. I feel like I'm forever behind, just trying to catch up. I have a problem with starting a million things and many of them aren't completed. However, if I remember "resist nothing," then I can't resist this. I just have to keep going and be ok with all of it.
Oh, and I'm putting this here just because it's hilarious. I was meditation, something I hate but I'm trying to see if it helps me, and when I opened my eyes, I saw this drawing left on the floor by our youngest, AJ. I don't know if it's supposed to be terrifying? or funny? What the hell is happening here??
Until next time!